If I were to be completely honest........

I would admit that sometimes in the past few months, I have felt like the prophet Jeremiah. Crying, calling out....but to no [visible] avail. And I wonder.....did Jeremiah ever felt like there were no more tears to cry? Did he ever feel apathetic? Even momentarily? I wonder...did he ever lose his voice, and become discouraged with crying out?

If I were to be completely honest...I would admit that sometimes the word 'trust' sounds like a foul, four-lettered word to me. Tired, tainted, and broken..........[bah]. But I will fight for it.....I will try. And it will come.

If I were to be completely honest....I would admit that I am tired of seeing sin and compromise being 'managed' - in my life and in others. God help me to surrender it all! 'Sin management' is simply disobedience.

If I were to be completely honest.....I would admit that sometimes I just want to disappear. I want to hide away, shut my phone off, and just......be.

If I were to be completely honest....I would admit that more than once this week I have thought about going home for the first time in 1 year, and the thought of being JOYFULLY welcomed/loved simply for being ME has brought me to tears. To be welcomed with open and loving arms - not for what I can do or what I can fix - is so precious.

If I were to be completely honest....this has been a rough year, and my heart has felt like a punching bag.

BUT......if I were to be completely honest, I would admit that as hard as it's all been - it is drawing [or pushing] me closer to the Lord.

And that is where I want to be.



Ever have a day when all you want to do is stop what you're doing, and yell, 'Is anyone listening to me?'

Or more specifically, look at someone and yell, 'Are YOU even listening? Have you heard ANYTHING I have said?'

What about a month? Or a handful of months?

Oi vey.

That is how I feel tonight.
Ever want to stop yelling, and just quit?
Walk away, and say, 'I can't do this anymore'?


My flesh says 'GO', and my Spirit says, 'Stay. Wait. Be patient'.

Oh, how I would listen to my flesh, but the Lord cautions me to wait.

I got a Twitter from 'The Ramp' the other day.
It holds much truth.

'We must understand that waiting is not waste. More can happen in a moment of God's presence than in a lifetime of activity'.

It's true....and I need to hold onto that truth.

Isaiah 30:18-21
18 So the Lord must wait for you to come to him

so he can show you his love and compassion.
For the Lord is a faithful God.
Blessed are those who wait for his help.
19 O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem,
you will weep no more.
He will be gracious if you ask for help.
He will surely respond to the sound of your cries.
20 Though the Lord gave you adversity for food
and suffering for drink,
he will still be with you to teach you.
You will see your teacher with your own eyes.
21 Your own ears will hear him.
Right behind you a voice will say,
“This is the way you should go,”
whether to the right or to the left.



I am discontent.

Not with life at the surface...but with the deeper aspects.
I am not satisfied with feeding my mind with smut that blatantly parades the things that don't glorify the Lord.
I am not satisfied with coming home from work and sitting in front of the t.v. multiple nights of the week.
I am not satisfied with shallow relationships.
I am not satisfied with a normal and luke-warm walk with the Lord.
I am not satisfied with the lost still being lost.
I am not satisfied with walking as the world walks.
I am not satisfied with a mediocre life.

I am discontent.

Only contentment is found in Him.
But if we don't seek His face or His hand....where are we seeking our contentment?
It cannot be found in the world...in the things of the world or the people of the world.

I am discontent.

With watching those of us who know truth, gloss it over.
With watching those of us who follow Christ....love the world.
And at times, with myself doing all of the above.

I am discontent.

With a life that looks no different than than my neighbor who is simply 'a good person'.
With a vocabulary that doesn't glorify God.
With a music selection that is full of perversion and depravity.
With a book selection that opens parts of my heart that ought to still be sleeping.

I am discontent.

I am tired of fighting the same battles.
I am tired of the same, consistent heart wounds.
I am tired of the same old.

I just am so tired...and discontent.
Oh, God help me in my discontentment!

Only You can relieve my heart.
It's Yours God, all of it.
I want change....I desire change...help me in my surrender.

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