Crass as it may be, the title of this post is the only way I can think to describe what has been happening to me lately. I suppose that there are other more spiritual ways to phrase it, but alas...........none quite compare. :)
The past week has been full of all kinds of realizations and revelations. Discoveries and awakenings. Most seem unfavorable at first...painful and undesirable, but they are good. Beneficial. I have realized:
I am not who I want to be, and I am not on track with who I am supposed to be.
My family and I have had some really rough things thrown our way in the last 2 years, and it has affected me much more than I thought. And it has, in a sense, derailed me. But, thankfully, at 27 years old, I am still becoming and I am still growing; as a Christian, and as a person. I am typically very reluctant to admit this -- but I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Am I content with being 'nomadic' and living life on a whim? To some extent. It never lacks in adventure. I can pick up and go when I feel the Lord leads me elsewhere. But I have no idea what I want to do with my life, short of loving Jesus and loving people. Is it because I haven't sought a goal or a career--I definitely have. None have been 'right'. Do I want to get married? Absolutely(!!). But the Lord has His timing, and it is all sufficient. When it comes to me...and my life....I am not where I want to be - within myself. I don't mean externally, like marriage and a job - the Lord has that under control. But, I mean when it comes to how I live my life and how I spend my time and energy....I am not who I want to be. Gradually, I have come into this [unconscious] way of thinking that I can control things. That what I say and do can actually change the course of things. Isn't that rich? I can pray, and I can speak when I feel necessary, but I control nothing. I can affect - but I cannot control. Realistically, I could lose my job tomorrow, and I could do nothing at all to change it. I could total my new[er] car today, and that would be that. I control nothing. I can control what I do with my time....and my thought life...and my energy...and my words. I think I have been striving so much to control all the external things that I 'have lost control' of the internal. [ha] Thus, this week I have had my butt handed to me in this realization. I am called to live a life of simplicity and love. A life of servanthood and love. A life of quietness and love. [note: love, love, love] I have been living a life of chaos, loudness, verbal vomit, difficulty and flesh. Has it been outwardly visible? To some, maybe. To most, no. Have I become a heathen? Not by any means. Have I become legalistic? I cringingly admit - yes. And yet, I have compromised and I have chosen the wide path, rather than the narrow -- in my relationship with the Lord and in my walk.
But no more.
For I have had my butt handed to me.
Lovingly, of course.
After listening to a sermon this morning by David Hickey [my Pastor in Texas], I had a time of repentance. For my lack of FAITH, my lack of TRUST. For actually believing that I can control things. For worrying incessantly. For not acknowledging God and for not focusing on the eternal things.
At one point in the sermon, he said: "...as we seek to satisfy our earthly desires, we have ceased to desire heaven, and consequently we become offended when life doesn't treat us according to the life that we have become accustomed to". [ouch]
And thus, I humbly admit to you, my friends, that I have fallen and I have failed...but with the help of my God, I am on my way back up and onto the narrow road.
I have peace ::: I am refreshed ::: and I can breathe.
All because I was reminded that,
"...there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death."