REgret.

Regret is defined as:

–verb (used with object)
1. to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.)
2. to think of with a sense of loss

Occasionally, I find that I battle with that thing which we shall dub 'the regret monster'.

[that's him]

This evening I saw an ad that was promoting the use of seatbelts.
I didn't know what to expect...but what I did see caused me to burst into tears.
Which is interesting, because it was a beautiful, creative and smart ad.
[you can view it HERE]

My Uncle died in a car crash almost a month ago - tragically, he was not wearing his seat belt.
Tonight after viewing that video, I began to think about my last interactions with him.
Of course, initially, I was unable to recall all the good things. No, no...it was the not so good things that were flooding the forefront of my memory. Like, being upset and kind of acting like a butt the last time I saw him because I only got to spend 20 minutes with him, even though we knew I wouldn't be back in OK again for a good while. That's the last time we interacted.

And then my mind shifted to my relationship with my Grandma. I thought of all the times that I could have and should have gone up to see her and my Grandpa in Oklahoma. All the times that my mom told me to call her...but I didn't because it was difficult to talk to her when she was so sick. I kept thinking of all the things I could have said......should have said... that I could have told her.

For instance, when I was in OK for her funeral, at one point I was on the phone with a friend in the spare bedroom. I happened to look to my left, and on the dresser there were a number of cards. I picked them up, and saw that one of them was addressed to me. In it, was a card from my Grandma. It was a nice card...I mean, I would have loved receiving it in mail. But, as I read it - in that moment, I ended up weeping. In it she told me that she would like for me to stop by her house as I made the drive from Ohio to Texas...how it would be lovely to see me. But - I didn't stop by to see her. My mom even mentioned it to me....but I, oh, I was too busy. I did not factor in a visit....I had such a 'small' amount of time...I had 'too much to do'.

These things - and others - plague my mind sometimes.

These two deaths......are the first ones I have had to deal with since I have come to know the Lord.

And it's been hard.

But, I am presently seeking the Lord.....and asking Him how to deal with and/or get rid of regret.
I don't want to hear typical 'remember the good times', cookie-cutter answers.

I don't think that it's legit.

And so for now, all I can do is lay my burdens down at His feet, and ask Him to bring healing.


There's no other way.





Bah.


It is what it is.



I must be off to bed.
[praise the Lord that His mercies are new every morning]