Consequences.

I desperately desire to be a clear communicator.

Unfortunately in wanting that, I tend to communicate with many words.

Aaaaand usually in the written form.

Aye.

SO...forgive me...this could be long.

Lately I have been fighting, what feels like, the fight of my life.

A fight, not against flesh and blood, but in the spiritual realm. A fight between the spirit and flesh, and I know [with every fiber of my being] that there is a spiritual battle going on around me - for my very soul.

And boy, is it intense.

When I left Teen Mania, I stepped out of ministry/leadership for a good two years. Four years on, 2 years off.......sounds good, right? However, anonymity and complacency is not what the Lord has for me...thus I began to pursue getting into womens ministries at my church. Interestingly enough, once I began that process, I found that suddenly all these old struggles began to resurface. All of these strongholds that I thought were long broken, began to reform and reshape themselves. For the last 6 months, off and on I have been struggling..and faltering miserably. I have felt like somehow, I had happened to slowly meander my way into a valley...and haven't been able to find a way out. And this weekend, after another fitful failure, I gave up. I got angry, and I said 'ENOUGH'.

I am sick to death of living day to day, struggle to struggle, failure to failure, regret to regret.

THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS!

In the light of eternity, these fringe-like struggles are silly and worthless. So, I put my foot down. I am striving after righteousness and Godliness. I am striving to beat down, take down, and mortify my flesh. [mortify: 1. To practice ascetic discipline or self-denial of the body and its appetites. 2. To undergo mortification; become gangrenous or necrosed. Dead.]

In the process of mortification of the flesh - comes the act of confession of sin, and accountability. With accountability and the desire for righteousness, there often comes consequences. Those consequences most often look like those who love you getting in your face and telling you the hard truth, in love. It can look like, being dragged to Bible study, when you don't want to go. It can look like people calling you when you least desire it - to ensure that you're doing what you should. It can look like having a friend with you while you rid your life of anything that can hinder you. It can look like receiving a text early in the morning so you don't bail out on a commitment  you've been faltering on.

It simply looks like LOVE - walked out.

It looks like John 13:34-35 "I give you a new commandment: that you should love one another. Just as I have loved you, so you too should love one another. By this shall all [men] know that you are My disciples, if you love one another [if you keep on showing love among yourselves]".

A new and precious friend shared the following scripture on their Facebook today:

"Those of us who are strong and able in the Faith need to step in and lend a hand to those who falter, and not just do what is most convenient for us". -Romans 15:1

For all of us, at most points in our lives we will be 'the strong and the able' ones. At others, we will be the ones faltering. Clearly, as of late, I have been absolutely faltering...and one day again soon, by the grace of God, I will be the 'strong and able' person.

Until then [genuinely], thank you to my sweet, strong, able and faithful friends, who have been lending me a hand. My prayer is when this season is over - I will be able to return the immense blessing.

I am immeasurably honored to call each of you friend.

You know who you are.

Let it be so.

Good morning pumpkinspicelattewithwhitemochaDELICIOUSNESSSSS!!!

You are so bad…but OH, so good.
 <insert mildly contented sigh here>

This morning I awoke with my head spinning, and feeling like it was full of water.

Yes. I, too, think that it is a bit odd, butttttt there is some freak illness floating around this cesspool work. I am afraid I may be in the beginning stages of contracting it. Aye.

I fear I might have woken up slightly indifferent today, as well. Or maybe it’s actually feigned indifference because my heart is ridiculously tender [I get a tad weepy when feeling under the weather]. Either way, I suspect that the feeling of ‘apathy’ could also come in due to the fact that everything in my life is kind of disjointed and unstable right now…and I am quite sure that this ‘shaking’ is no accident.


<insert raised eyebrow, and upward glance here>

 Brenda, my sweet mentor, put it this way, ‘Tara, from what you’re telling me…it sounds like everything in your life seems to be a big question mark (?) right now…’.


Ah, well…yes, that is correct. Everything could go any way, at any moment.
Thus, I am simply in a place of surrender.
I am waving the proverbial ‘white flag’ as I fall over.
Sadly, it is not sweet surrender, and gladly, it is not bitter surrender, just an ‘I give up, and I am falling down in exhaustion’ surrender.


[Hmm…this place feels quite familiar ……]


I have come to the conclusion that I very well may be one of the most hard-headed humans that the Lord has ever encountered [ha]. Time after time, my heart…and my eyes …stray from the very One who redeemed my wretched soul. And time after time, as I continue on my path of whoreishness, I tend to go so far that must He intervene to refocus me [yes, I said whoreishness]. Sometimes He must go as far as shaking and removing anything and everything that could distract this unfaithful heart. Painful as it is, I am grateful for it [well…afterwards].


And once again, this is where I am right now. Aye.


Things are swaying like unstable dominoes…slowly toppling and ceasing to be in my line of vision.


Hebrews 12:26-28 says, “I shake not only the earth, but also heaven . . . this indicates the removal of those things that are being shaken, as of things that are made, that the things that cannot be shaken may remain".


Realistically, when this happens, my reaction often stinks. When the shaking begins I tend to panic…look around me and grab onto things that seem sturdy. I tend to cling to things or people or substances that distract, numb or please momentarily. And then, somehow, I manage to be surprised and aghast when those things fail me as well. So then I find a book ...or...well, multiple books and read voraciously in attempts to fix myself, my heart, and my fleshly wants. But, alas, knowledge does not replace heart/spirit revelation.




Today, I am at the point where, once again, I realize:


I, TARA MILBURN, CONTROL NOTHING.


When my job changes for the worst [as it is] – I cannot control it.


When my relationships change in ways that sadden my heart [as some are] – I cannot control it.


When things in general are up in the air, with a big ‘?’ [as they are] – I cannot control it.


I must [need to, have to, want to, must] turn to the Lord – run to the Lord – and throw off these distractions, these sins that so easily entangle me.


I’m moving from:


“In this life, I’m stubborn to the core.
In this life, I’ve been burning after more.
We both know what these open arms are for…”


And heading over to:


“Falling on my knees in worship,

giving all I am to seek Your face.

Lord, all I am is Yours. My whole life

I place in Your hands,

God of Mercy.

Humbled I bow down,

in Your presence, at Your throne”.


[and am praying that the following happens]


“I called - You answered,
and You came to my rescue.
And I want to be where You are.

In my life - be lifted high".


-


Pray that I have the strength to look upon the face of the Lord and seek after the righteousness that He has called me to.


Pray that I may have the strength to say a loud, and resounding ‘NO’ to the things that my flesh desires to turn to in moments of uncertainty.


Mmmhmm.


-


I shall end with this:


I just received a tweet from A.W. Tozer.
No, not from beyond the grave…..but someone who so graciously tweets out his quotes.


It says this,


“When we allow God to be exalted in our difficulties, we are in the perfect place to smell the fragrance of His presence”.

Yes, yes….let it be so.


Thanks, Tozer.

((p.s. I just read the previous post.........um, isn't it like the same thing?! Oh, Lord. Drill this into my head! Help!))

Getting my butt handed to me.

Crass as it may be, the title of this post is the only way I can think to describe what has been happening to me lately. I suppose that there are other more spiritual ways to phrase it, but alas...........none quite compare. :)

The past week has been full of all kinds of realizations and revelations. Discoveries and awakenings. Most seem unfavorable at first...painful and undesirable, but they are good. Beneficial. I have realized:

I am not who I want to be, and I am not on track with who I am supposed to be.

My family and I have had some really rough things thrown our way in the last 2 years, and it has affected me much more than I thought. And it has, in a sense, derailed me. But, thankfully, at 27 years old, I am still becoming and I am still growing; as a Christian, and as a person. I am typically very reluctant to admit this -- but I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Am I content with being 'nomadic' and living life on a whim? To some extent. It never lacks in adventure. I can pick up and go when I feel the Lord leads me elsewhere. But I have no idea what I want to do with my life, short of loving Jesus and loving people. Is it because I haven't sought a goal or a career--I definitely have. None have been 'right'. Do I want to get married? Absolutely(!!). But the Lord has His timing, and it is all sufficient. When it comes to me...and my life....I am not where I want to be - within myself. I don't mean externally, like marriage and a job - the Lord has that under control. But, I mean when it comes to how I live my life and how I spend my time and energy....I am not who I want to be. Gradually, I have come into this [unconscious] way of thinking that I can control things. That what I say and do can actually change the course of things. Isn't that rich? I can pray, and I can speak when I feel necessary, but I control nothing. I can affect - but I cannot control. Realistically, I could lose my job tomorrow, and I could do nothing at all to change it. I could total my new[er] car today, and that would be that. I control nothing. I can control what I do with my time....and my thought life...and my energy...and my words. I think I have been striving so much to control all the external things that I 'have lost control' of the internal. [ha] Thus, this week I have had my butt handed to me in this realization. I am called to live a life of simplicity and love. A life of servanthood and love. A life of quietness and love. [note: love, love, love] I have been living a life of chaos, loudness, verbal vomit, difficulty and flesh. Has it been outwardly visible? To some, maybe. To most, no. Have I become a heathen? Not by any means. Have I become legalistic? I cringingly admit - yes. And yet, I have compromised and I have chosen the wide path, rather than the narrow -- in my relationship with the Lord and in my walk.

But no more.

For I have had my butt handed to me.

Lovingly, of course.

After listening to a sermon this morning by David Hickey [my Pastor in Texas], I had a time of repentance. For my lack of FAITH, my lack of TRUST. For actually believing that I can control things. For worrying incessantly. For not acknowledging God and for not focusing on the eternal things.

At one point in the sermon, he said: "...as we seek to satisfy our earthly desires, we have ceased to desire heaven, and consequently we become offended when life doesn't treat us according to the life that we have become accustomed to". [ouch]

And thus, I humbly admit to you, my friends, that I have fallen and I have failed...but with the help of my God, I am on my way back up and onto the narrow road.

I have peace ::: I am refreshed ::: and I can breathe.

All because I was reminded that,

"...there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death."

[Romans 8:1-2]

Aaaaah....freedom.

Welcome back.

Grace.

The sun and wind on my skin feels magnificent.
Worshipping as I drive.....the Lord is faithful.
The Lord is constant and true.
[more to come]

Psalm 23:4

Even when I walk


through the darkest valley,[a]

I will not be afraid,

for you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff

protect and comfort me.