You are so bad…but OH, so good.
<insert mildly contented sigh here>
This morning I awoke with my head spinning, and feeling like it was full of water.
Yes. I, too, think that it is a bit odd, butttttt there is some freak illness floating around
I fear I might have woken up slightly indifferent today, as well. Or maybe it’s actually feigned indifference because my heart is ridiculously tender [I get a tad weepy when feeling under the weather]. Either way, I suspect that the feeling of ‘apathy’ could also come in due to the fact that everything in my life is kind of disjointed and unstable right now…and I am quite sure that this ‘shaking’ is no accident.
<insert raised eyebrow, and upward glance here>
Brenda, my sweet mentor, put it this way, ‘Tara, from what you’re telling me…it sounds like everything in your life seems to be a big question mark (?) right now…’.
Ah, well…yes, that is correct. Everything could go any way, at any moment.
Thus, I am simply in a place of surrender.
I am waving the proverbial ‘white flag’ as I fall over.
Sadly, it is not sweet surrender, and gladly, it is not bitter surrender, just an ‘I give up, and I am falling down in exhaustion’ surrender.
[Hmm…this place feels quite familiar ……]
I have come to the conclusion that I very well may be one of the most hard-headed humans that the Lord has ever encountered [ha]. Time after time, my heart…and my eyes …stray from the very One who redeemed my wretched soul. And time after time, as I continue on my path of whoreishness, I tend to go so far that must He intervene to refocus me [yes, I said whoreishness]. Sometimes He must go as far as shaking and removing anything and everything that could distract this unfaithful heart. Painful as it is, I am grateful for it [well…afterwards].
And once again, this is where I am right now. Aye.
Things are swaying like unstable dominoes…slowly toppling and ceasing to be in my line of vision.
Hebrews 12:26-28 says, “I shake not only the earth, but also heaven . . . this indicates the removal of those things that are being shaken, as of things that are made, that the things that cannot be shaken may remain".
Realistically, when this happens, my reaction often stinks. When the shaking begins I tend to panic…look around me and grab onto things that seem sturdy. I tend to cling to things or people or substances that distract, numb or please momentarily. And then, somehow, I manage to be surprised and aghast when those things fail me as well. So then I find a book ...or...well, multiple books and read voraciously in attempts to fix myself, my heart, and my fleshly wants. But, alas, knowledge does not replace heart/spirit revelation.
Today, I am at the point where, once again, I realize:
I, TARA MILBURN, CONTROL NOTHING.
When my job changes for the worst [as it is] – I cannot control it.
When my relationships change in ways that sadden my heart [as some are] – I cannot control it.
When things in general are up in the air, with a big ‘?’ [as they are] – I cannot control it.
I must [need to, have to, want to, must] turn to the Lord – run to the Lord – and throw off these distractions, these sins that so easily entangle me.
I’m moving from:
“In this life, I’m stubborn to the core.
In this life, I’ve been burning after more.
We both know what these open arms are for…”
And heading over to:
“Falling on my knees in worship,
giving all I am to seek Your face.
Lord, all I am is Yours. My whole life
I place in Your hands,
God of Mercy.
Humbled I bow down,
in Your presence, at Your throne”.
[and am praying that the following happens]
“I called - You answered,
and You came to my rescue.
And I want to be where You are.
In my life - be lifted high".
Pray that I have the strength to look upon the face of the Lord and seek after the righteousness that He has called me to.
Pray that I may have the strength to say a loud, and resounding ‘NO’ to the things that my flesh desires to turn to in moments of uncertainty.
I shall end with this:
I just received a tweet from A.W. Tozer.
No, not from beyond the grave…..but someone who so graciously tweets out his quotes.
It says this,
“When we allow God to be exalted in our difficulties, we are in the perfect place to smell the fragrance of His presence”.
Yes, yes….let it be so.
((p.s. I just read the previous post.........um, isn't it like the same thing?! Oh, Lord. Drill this into my head! Help!))