If I were to be completely honest........

I would admit that sometimes in the past few months, I have felt like the prophet Jeremiah. Crying, calling out....but to no [visible] avail. And I wonder.....did Jeremiah ever felt like there were no more tears to cry? Did he ever feel apathetic? Even momentarily? I wonder...did he ever lose his voice, and become discouraged with crying out?

If I were to be completely honest...I would admit that sometimes the word 'trust' sounds like a foul, four-lettered word to me. Tired, tainted, and broken..........[bah]. But I will fight for it.....I will try. And it will come.

If I were to be completely honest....I would admit that I am tired of seeing sin and compromise being 'managed' - in my life and in others. God help me to surrender it all! 'Sin management' is simply disobedience.

If I were to be completely honest.....I would admit that sometimes I just want to disappear. I want to hide away, shut my phone off, and just......be.

If I were to be completely honest....I would admit that more than once this week I have thought about going home for the first time in 1 year, and the thought of being JOYFULLY welcomed/loved simply for being ME has brought me to tears. To be welcomed with open and loving arms - not for what I can do or what I can fix - is so precious.

If I were to be completely honest....this has been a rough year, and my heart has felt like a punching bag.

BUT......if I were to be completely honest, I would admit that as hard as it's all been - it is drawing [or pushing] me closer to the Lord.

And that is where I want to be.

Listening?

Ever have a day when all you want to do is stop what you're doing, and yell, 'Is anyone listening to me?'

Or more specifically, look at someone and yell, 'Are YOU even listening? Have you heard ANYTHING I have said?'

What about a month? Or a handful of months?

Oi vey.

That is how I feel tonight.
Ever want to stop yelling, and just quit?
Walk away, and say, 'I can't do this anymore'?

Yes.

My flesh says 'GO', and my Spirit says, 'Stay. Wait. Be patient'.

Oh, how I would listen to my flesh, but the Lord cautions me to wait.

I got a Twitter from 'The Ramp' the other day.
It holds much truth.

'We must understand that waiting is not waste. More can happen in a moment of God's presence than in a lifetime of activity'.

It's true....and I need to hold onto that truth.

Isaiah 30:18-21
18 So the Lord must wait for you to come to him

so he can show you his love and compassion.
For the Lord is a faithful God.
Blessed are those who wait for his help.
19 O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem,
you will weep no more.
He will be gracious if you ask for help.
He will surely respond to the sound of your cries.
20 Though the Lord gave you adversity for food
and suffering for drink,
he will still be with you to teach you.
You will see your teacher with your own eyes.
21 Your own ears will hear him.
Right behind you a voice will say,
“This is the way you should go,”
whether to the right or to the left.

Discontent

I am discontent.

Not with life at the surface...but with the deeper aspects.
I am not satisfied with feeding my mind with smut that blatantly parades the things that don't glorify the Lord.
I am not satisfied with coming home from work and sitting in front of the t.v. multiple nights of the week.
I am not satisfied with shallow relationships.
I am not satisfied with a normal and luke-warm walk with the Lord.
I am not satisfied with the lost still being lost.
I am not satisfied with walking as the world walks.
I am not satisfied with a mediocre life.

I am discontent.

Only contentment is found in Him.
But if we don't seek His face or His hand....where are we seeking our contentment?
It cannot be found in the world...in the things of the world or the people of the world.

I am discontent.

With watching those of us who know truth, gloss it over.
With watching those of us who follow Christ....love the world.
And at times, with myself doing all of the above.

I am discontent.

With a life that looks no different than than my neighbor who is simply 'a good person'.
With a vocabulary that doesn't glorify God.
With a music selection that is full of perversion and depravity.
With a book selection that opens parts of my heart that ought to still be sleeping.

I am discontent.

I am tired of fighting the same battles.
I am tired of the same, consistent heart wounds.
I am tired of the same old.

I just am so tired...and discontent.
Oh, God help me in my discontentment!

Only You can relieve my heart.
It's Yours God, all of it.
I want change....I desire change...help me in my surrender.


( :

Deception.

Today I find myself at a loss.

I have reached the end of something.
My self? Control? Expectation? .... Dare I say, to some extent - hope?
[situational hope....applied not to life as a whole]

I have come to realize that deception is an ugly thing to watch take over a person.
It's like molasses....slow, dark, and impossibly thick.

And as I watch, I feel as though my hands are tied....I have chains around my ankles.
Truth is in my heart and in my mouth, but as I speak it runs off my lips, falls to the ground and pools at their feet.
[Meaningless, meaningless.]

And my heart!
It shouts:
What is of worth to you?
What is of importance to you?
Why do you spend your time on worthless things, frivolities and distractions?
Things that do not glorify the Lord?
Idols!
He is calling! He is beckoning! He is worthy! 

WHY do we do what our flesh wants and deny that which we know the Lord has called us to?
Why, oh why do we allow our flesh to dictate our actions, our words, and our thoughts?
Why do we not choose truth and walk down the path of righteousness?
[YES]
It might cause some discomfort, but righteousness never causes us the deep heartache of disobedience.

Oh flesh, how difficult you prove to be.
And, oh, that hearts weren't deceitful and wretched!!
Oh, for the strength to see through the veil of lies and see Your truth.
[THE LIES WE BELIEVE!!]
Oh, how the heart of God must grieve....
Oh, how the eyes are darkened and hidden from the light.
For: 'the eye is the lamp of the body. So if your eye is sound, your entire body will be full of light. But if your eye is unsound, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the very light in you [your conscience] is darkened, how dense is that darkness!' [Matt.6:22-23]
But He is a God who is higher and stronger and wiser.
His love is stronger than the cisterns we've dug for ourselves.
His love is stronger than death.
His love is stronger than sickness and deception.

Lord.........please move on the heart of your child....on the hearts of your children.

And move in my life...help me to be like You...help me to love....listen....and respond.

[battle]

It's a battle between the heart and the mouth.
Between the spirit and the soul.
The emotions and the mind.
And the mouth.
- - - - -------------------------


[help me to be the following]


James 3:17-18

¹⁷But the wisdom from above is first of all pure (undefiled); 

then it is peace-loving, 

courteous (considerate, gentle). 

[It is willing to] yield to reason, 

full of compassion and good fruits; 

it is wholehearted and straightforward,

impartial and unfeigned 

(free from doubts, wavering, and insincerity).

¹⁸A n d  t h e  h a r v e s t  o f  r i g h t e o u s n e s s 

(of conformity to God's will in thought and deed) 

is 

[the fruit of the seed] 

sown in peace by those who work for and make peace 

[in themselves and in others, 

that peace which means concord, agreement, and harmony 

between individuals, with undisturbedness, in a peaceful mind, free from fears and agitating passions and moral conflicts].

Thoughts.

I'm hiding in a corner in the far end of my bedroom. 

It's a tad snug to squeeze in here between my huge bed frame and the wall, but it is a comfortable snug.

I feel like when I was a kid, and I liked to hide...to think all by myself. 

Imagine. 

Or simply hide.

I have had some thoughts lately. 

Many, many thoughts spurred on by recent conversations and recent talks with God. 

[awkward segue]

As Christians, we must understand that truth is not truth simply because we want it to be so.

Likewise, UNtruth is not untrue simply because it suits us. 

It is not something to be shaped and molded into the likeness of that which pleases us. 

It is what it is - take it or leave it. 

I live my life pretty black and white. 

Sin is sin....and righteousness is righteousness.

There really is no in between for me. If I feel a check in my spirit, I'm probably going to stray from it. 

Understand that I am not saying that I am perfect by any means -- far, far from it.

But I do feel like most things, particularly SPIRITUAL things, are black and white.

I think that some things can have grey issues, but when we begin to weigh the pro's against the con's and the good vs. the bad of the grey issue.......we begin to enter dangerous waters. 

Most often times, when we find 'good' to outweigh the 'bad' regarding an issue that we have already felt a 'red flag' pop up in our Spirit over, that is usually when we begin to justify. And compromise.

I heard someone say the other night that people can compromise all day long, but they will still go to heaven. 

Weeelllll....I don't know about you, but I don't want to be one of those people. 

We WILL be held accountable for every action, inaction, word, thought, deed, etc. 

I don't want to get into heaven on a compromise vs. sin technicality. 

I find that when I encounter people who don't live like this ---------------- it absolutely boggles my mind -especially if that person is a Jesus loving, on-fire Christian. 

Listen, don't get me wrong. 

I have my issues, and my own dealings with sin....but if I mess up, I want to get rid of anything and everything that aided me in my sin. Often times, I've contemplated Matthew 5:29-30 after falling flat on my face, 

²⁹ So if your eye—even your good eye^[a]—causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. ³⁰ And if your hand—even your stronger hand^[b]—causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

Clearly, cutting off or gouging out parts of my body wouldn't be the best idea, but to do what it takes to keep ourselves from falling into sin, or potentially falling into sin - is smart. 

However, I need the Lord to help me understand the grey areas, and those who venture in. 

It scares me. 

So many people have gotten lost in the 'grey' and have yet to come back. 

Sometimes I feel like Jeremiah, the weeping prophet crying over what I see coming, and what others don't. 

And, you know.....what can you do?

Stop?

Continue? 

Cry?

This is where the heavy sigh comes in. 

- - - 

Jesus grant me the grace, discernment, truth and love. 

Call Center Supervisor

I am a Call Center Supervisor.
And some days I am not.
On Tuesday
I could be
a counselor.
And on Wednesday
a social worker.
Thursday - a priest
[listening to confession].
Listening to stories, that would make your mind
reel.
Watching as huge, croc-o-dile tears roll
down the faces of these women
who
are being beaten
[brutally]
raped
[nonchalantly]
and
taken advantage of
[hourly].
These ones
who
feel like there's no way out,
but to
[abort]
and then
scream and shout
when confronted with the err of their behavior
[in the workplace].
And the truth of it is
they're simply stuck.
Stuck in the mire of family cycles
of generational
[curses].
Not believing they can change,
or have change
for their children.
Hope is a foreign word.
Love is relative
[to what you have, give, and expect].
Trust is something to be laughed at.
Ha.
Why should I
how could I
[really, can I?]
trust
YOU.
[after all - you're just my supervisor]
And all one can do
is pray.
and cry.
and speak soothing words
to calm the skittish
soul.
And hope that
the decisions they make
won't
[but they will]
haunt them.
And yet,
at the end of the day
I am
but a
Call
Center
Supevisor.

Gird up your loins.........

I am alive.........apparently contrary to popular belief.

I have somewhat dropped off the face off the earth recently. 

My life is consumed...not by what I wish it would be consumed by...but by other frivolities.

I have realized lately, what a ridiculous fraud my life is, in comparison to what it is everyone else perceives it to be.
I call myself a Jesus-following Christian.......but my time alone with Him is lacking.
I try to uphold morals and standards....but am not often speaking with the One who gives them.
I find that depth and insight are lacking.....because I am so full of the world and its garbage.
If I would only spend time with the Lord, the inward parts of my being would be purged of these things, and I would be refilled with peace and joy.
But alas, I meander my way through the days, being distracted and without purpose....just living to live.
Working to live.....sleeping to work....and rotating back and forth in that cycle.

Sounds pleasant, doesn't it?
[yes, yes........I was being facetious]

And then I hear in my head, 'Buck up, Milburn! You were not created to live life like this! Gird up your loins! [(I Peter 1:13) means to prepare for strenuous mental activity, and warns of the necessity to guard your mind (Proverbs 4:23).] Prepare for your day! There is a real spiritual battle going on!'

But.......that is not often what I do. Thus, the days are long....full of strife and every evil thing [James 3:16].

I suppose to bare bones truth of it all......is that I desire simplicity. Truth. Honesty. Peace. Joy. Love. Kindness. Goodness. FAITHFULNESS. Self-control. Patience. Humility. Fire.

I suppose this is just one of those unexpected dips on the rollercoaster of life, that I did not see coming. But......the good news is --- there is a mountain to climb, and the whole world can be seen from the top. 

I really don't have all that much more to say right now....I'm incredibly tired. 

( :

Bed is calling..........I'll be back soon.

Promise.

[Yes.......at times I feel like this girl. ha.]

REgret.

Regret is defined as:

–verb (used with object)
1. to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.)
2. to think of with a sense of loss

Occasionally, I find that I battle with that thing which we shall dub 'the regret monster'.

[that's him]

This evening I saw an ad that was promoting the use of seatbelts.
I didn't know what to expect...but what I did see caused me to burst into tears.
Which is interesting, because it was a beautiful, creative and smart ad.
[you can view it HERE]

My Uncle died in a car crash almost a month ago - tragically, he was not wearing his seat belt.
Tonight after viewing that video, I began to think about my last interactions with him.
Of course, initially, I was unable to recall all the good things. No, no...it was the not so good things that were flooding the forefront of my memory. Like, being upset and kind of acting like a butt the last time I saw him because I only got to spend 20 minutes with him, even though we knew I wouldn't be back in OK again for a good while. That's the last time we interacted.

And then my mind shifted to my relationship with my Grandma. I thought of all the times that I could have and should have gone up to see her and my Grandpa in Oklahoma. All the times that my mom told me to call her...but I didn't because it was difficult to talk to her when she was so sick. I kept thinking of all the things I could have said......should have said... that I could have told her.

For instance, when I was in OK for her funeral, at one point I was on the phone with a friend in the spare bedroom. I happened to look to my left, and on the dresser there were a number of cards. I picked them up, and saw that one of them was addressed to me. In it, was a card from my Grandma. It was a nice card...I mean, I would have loved receiving it in mail. But, as I read it - in that moment, I ended up weeping. In it she told me that she would like for me to stop by her house as I made the drive from Ohio to Texas...how it would be lovely to see me. But - I didn't stop by to see her. My mom even mentioned it to me....but I, oh, I was too busy. I did not factor in a visit....I had such a 'small' amount of time...I had 'too much to do'.

These things - and others - plague my mind sometimes.

These two deaths......are the first ones I have had to deal with since I have come to know the Lord.

And it's been hard.

But, I am presently seeking the Lord.....and asking Him how to deal with and/or get rid of regret.
I don't want to hear typical 'remember the good times', cookie-cutter answers.

I don't think that it's legit.

And so for now, all I can do is lay my burdens down at His feet, and ask Him to bring healing.


There's no other way.





Bah.


It is what it is.



I must be off to bed.
[praise the Lord that His mercies are new every morning]

Where did all my posts go!!!!!!!!!!!?

Oh. My. Goodness.